Perhaps no moment shapes a relationship more than immediately after someone shares his pain.
How you respond can bring great healing or harm; it can alleviate his burden or add to it. In this moment, the sufferer will determine whether you’re a safe person to process with or if he needs to keep walls up around you.
Unfortunately, most people have never been taught how to respond in such moments. Wanting to help (and afraid of awkward silence), we often blurt out the first thing that comes to mind:
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “Have you tried praying about it?”
- “Do you think God is trying to teach you a lesson?”
- “God won’t give you more than you can handle.”
- “At least you still have . . .”
- “I know exactly how you feel.”
Our words may be well-meaning. They may contain elements of truth. Unfortunately, they’re often untimely, unhelpful, or even hurtful.
Here’s the good news: Being helpful is simpler than most think. And if we engage wisely, we can powerfully communicate Christ’s love and nearness. Consider four ways to (actually) help a sufferer.
1. Be Present
My friend Paul once told a story of a time when he was hurting after a loss. He prayed, “God, I wish you were physically here to put your arm around me.” Later that night, he went to a young-adult ministry and sat by himself. Someone sat next to him, put his arm around him, and asked sincerely, “How are you doing?” Paul told me, “I guess sometimes when we ask God to put his arm around us, he sends one of his people to put their arm around us.”
Often what a sufferer needs most—especially after tragedy—isn’t advice, input, or billboard Bible verses. It’s physical presence that affirms Christ’s presence.
Often what a sufferer needs most—especially after tragedy—isn’t advice, input, or billboard Bible verses. It’s physical presence that affirms Christ’s presence.
One of the best biblical examples of the power of presence is how Job’s friends initially responded to his tragedy: “They sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great” (Job 2:13).
Take the pressure off yourself to have words to say. Usually, there aren’t words that will instantly make things better. By simply sitting with a sufferer (and perhaps putting an arm around her), you communicate, “I don’t have answers, but I love you, and I’m with you.” This is often what a sufferer needs most.
2. Listen
One of the best ways to communicate love is by listening. David Augsburger observes, “Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.”
While listening won’t remove someone’s suffering, it can alleviate the loneliness that almost always accompanies it. By listening, we reflect the God who hears tears (Gen. 16:11; Ex. 3:7) and remind the sufferer that he isn’t alone.
An easy mistake is to give advice before listening. The Bible calls this foolishness: “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame” (Prov. 18:13).
Immediately jumping into advice-giving belittles the sufferer’s pain, as if we’re above him with easy answers. By listening, we place ourselves next to the sufferer, with him in his pain and dependent on God for help. This isn’t to say we should never speak—some words can be helpful at the right time. But our first aim should always be to listen and understand, never to fix.
3. Weep
About a decade ago, I was walking through a difficult trial and shared my pain with a family friend. I still remember her response: “Blake, my heart hurts for you.”
At the time, I remember thinking, I’m not sure one sentence has ever made me feel so loved. Rather than judging my grief, she entered into it.
Jesus displayed this kind of love for his friends as they grieved Lazarus’s death. Even though Jesus was about to raise Lazarus from the dead, his initial response was to weep with his friends (John 11:33–35).
Tears are often more powerful than words. Dane Ortlund suggests living out Romans 12:15 (“Weep with those who weep”) before reciting verses like Romans 8:28 (“For those who love God all things work together for good”). Opportunities will come to point sufferers to Bible verses. But initially, tears are the best ministry tool we have.
4. Encourage
It’s easy to feel helpless when walking alongside a sufferer. We can’t fix his circumstances, much less alleviate his inner turmoil. A mindset shift that’s been useful to me is to stop asking, “How can I remove his pain?” and simply ask, “How can I bring relief for these next 30 minutes?”
Initially, tears are the best ministry tool we have.
Suffering can feel relentless. The psalmists regularly described their suffering as drowning (Ps. 42:7; 69:2; 88:7), gasping for just a moment of joy and hope. As friends of sufferers, we can’t remove the waves, but we can bring relief through encouragement.
Listen closely for ways the sufferer reflects or honors Christ. Maybe it’s her prayer life, her refusal to complain, or simply the fact that she’s opening up about her pain (which takes courage in itself). Here are examples of what you can say:
- “Your trust in God despite your pain is clear evidence of the Holy Spirit in you.”
- “The fact that you’re still thinking about others is a beautiful reflection of Christ.”
- “The way you continue to give thanks is genuinely inspiring.”
- “Thank you for modeling how to suffer well. I praise God for you.”
Sufferers might forget your words, but they’ll never forget how you made them feel. By being present, listening, entering into their pain, and encouraging, you can help them experience Christ’s love in ways they may never forget.
